This Christmas
by Kedda
Summary: My take on how Derek left things with Addison at the end of Grandma. I know everyone has one... it could be it's own catagory. For the record I don't own the show.
1. Chapter 1

OK I wrote this forever ago. It's actually kinda angsty, which is not my thing, but in anycase I figured that since I had written it I might as well post it. I think that I will post in 3 sections. Not sure why three... it's pretty short, but alas.

This starts where the Christmas episode ends.

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"I am not saying this to hurt you, and I am not saying this because I want to leave you, because I don't. But it wasn't just a fling with Meredith, it wasn't revenge. I fell in love with her, and that doesn't just go away because I decided to stay with you."

Derek slid into the booth beside Addison, he glanced at her quickly and then looked away. She stared straight ahead.

Addison fiddled with her drink. She picked it up a few times but didn't drink anything. Derek drained his glass and motioned for a refill.

"You fell in love with Meredith?" Addison finally said.

"Yes."

They were silent again.

"Are you still in love with Meredith?"

"I don't know."

"But you love Meredith."

"Yes."

Silence overcame them again.

"Do you love me?" Addison asked quietly, staring at her drink.

"Yes."

Silence, "Are you _in_ love with me?" Addison looked at Derek for the first time.

Derek stared hard at Addison. "I don't know," he replied honestly, flinching slightly as he saw the pain in her eyes.

Addison looked away. She looked around the bar. Everywhere but at her husband. Finally she shook her head and slid from the booth. Derek stood as she reached for her jacket.

"Addison..."

"Don't Derek."

"Addie..." Derek tried again, reaching out to touch her arm.

"Derek!" Addison said harshly, pulling away, "I need to be alone right now."

"But..."

"Derek," Addison glared at him slightly. One look at him told her that he was not done with this conversation, "At the very least give me a head start."

"OK," Derek said quietly, sitting back down.

"Thank you," Addison muttered, as she left, "I'm taking your car."

Addison drove quickly to her hotel, breaking every speed limit along the way. She was thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. The thoughts were running through her head to fast to process.

She slammed on the breaks as she pulled into her parking space, the car lurching slightly.

"Bastard," she spat as she slammed the door shut with all her might.

Nothing around her registered as she made her way to her room and locked herself in. She began pacing the floor. She felt helpless. There was nothing she could do. It was all up to Derek.

Meanwhile, Derek continued to sit in the booth, consuming drink after drink.

"It's a good thing she took my car," he thought to himself. "It's 5 days before Christmas and I am sitting in a bar alone drinking. I should be picking out a tree. This is not how I thought my life would turn out."

He gulped down another drink. He glanced at Addison's buttered rum that was still sitting beside him. "This is what I get for being honest. Loneliness. And it's all _her_ fault."

Derek stood up suddenly, ignoring the head rush. He threw some money down on the table, and walked purposefully outside and hailed a cab. It was a good thing that Addison had taken his car.

Derek fumed as he sat in the cab. What was he doing. Addison had made his life miserable. Meredith would never do that to him. Meredith loved him. Or she thought she loved him. And Derek loved her. Or he thought he loved her. That was enough. Right?

Derek slammed the door to cab. He couldn't believe that he was in the position where he had to choose between them again. He raised his hand and knocked on the door with all his might.


	2. Chapter 2

"I hate this," he proclaimed as the door opened. "This entire situation. And you are just making it harder."

Addison fixed him with a hard stare but didn't reply.

Derek pushed past her into the hotel suite and continued his rant. "It doesn't matter what I do this doesn't get easier. I lie to you and tell you that everything is fine and things get worse and I tell you the truth and you walk out on me. Can't I just catch a break? I am the victim here and all I seem to be doing is hurting people. I am hurting Meredith and I am hurting you and I want it to stop. But it won't stop Addison. This is never going to stop. I don't know if I am ever going to know where I belong. If I spend Christmas with you then I am going to miss being with Meredith. But if I spend Christmas with Meredith it is going to kill me not to be with you. So what do I do Addison? Just tell me what to do. I want to be with you I really do but I don't think that I can. I haven't forgotten yet and I don't think that I ever will."

Except to close the door Addison hadn't moved since Derek brushed past her.

"Say something Addie." Derek demanded angrily.

Addison stared at him, her face showed no emotion, "Your drunk."

Derek stared at her with bewilderment. "That's all you have to say? I just pour my heart out to you and all you can do is tell me that I am drunk?"

Addison words were slow and measured, "What do you want me to say Derek? What can I say? You say you love Meredith, and you say you love me. What do I say to that? I refuse to beg you to stay with me Derek. I want you to be with me because you love me. Because you are in love with me. Not because you think you should and not because I said please. I want you to be with me because you can't live with out me."

They stared at each other along time. Neither knew what to say. Finally Addison looked away, her eyes focusing on a blank section of wall.

"I don't expect you to forget what happened Derek. I just want you to forgive."

Derek rubbed his jaw, he was as confused as ever, "what's all this stuff?" he asked finally, motioning to all the boxes piled around the living room.

"Our Christmas decorations, I had Greta get them out of storage and send them."

"How is Gret?" Derek asked absentmindedly, in the back of him mind knowing that now was not the time to inquire about the well being of Addison's best friend.

"She is fine." Addison replied tensely, rolling her eyes and crossing her arms.

"Sorry," Derek muttered, beginning to move around the room glancing in each box. Eventually he picked one up and placed it on the coffee table. Taking a deep breath he began going through the box. He examined each and every ornament, his face remaining emotionless as memories floated through his mind. He finished with the first box stood up and selected another, beginning the process again.

Addison finally got tired of watching him from across the room. Walking slowly so as not to break Derek's concentration she crossed the room and sat quietly in the chair across from him. She watched sadly as 11 Christmas's together emerged from the box. The ornaments that she had treasured this morning now pained her to look at.

Derek examined ornaments for hours. Each one bringing back different memories of different people. Some of them reminded him of decorating the tree with his family has a child, some of them reminded him of endless hours of shopping looking for the perfect gift, a lot of them reminded him of New York and the friends, the patients and the life that he had left behind. Most of them reminded him of Addison. There was not one thing in front of him that he could not picture her holding.

He looked over at Addison who had long since fallen asleep. It was better this way. He didn't want to talk right now. He quietly picked up an empty box and filled it with favorites. He watched Addison sleep, curled up in the chair, her red hair everywhere.

Then he left.


	3. Chapter 3

Hours later he worked up the courage the return. He knocked on the door for the second time that night. He imagined that she would be awake now, she was suppose to work in about an hour. But when she answered the door he realized that he was wrong. Her hair was mussed up, her clothes were wrinkled, and she appeared very confused as she looked at him through squinted eyes.

"I didn't know you had left," she yawned.

"Well I am back." Derek replied nervously, "I want to show you something."

Neither of them moved.

"What?" Addison asked finally when Derek didn't volunteer anymore information.

Derek shrugged, "You have to come with me." he replied noncommittally.

Addison retreated back into the suite, leaving it up to Derek whether or not to follow her. Derek took a few steps in and closed the door. He watched her walking back and forth in the bedroom in various states of undress. He had known her long enough to know that the little parade she was putting on right now was for his benefit. She was letting him know what he was missing out on. He couldn't help but smile at her tact.

Finally she emerged fully dressed and stood in front of him expectantly. Derek gave her a half smile and turned and walked out of the hotel room. She followed.

It was a quiet drive.

She didn't say anything as he parked in front of his trailer. In fact she hadn't said anything to him in the last half-hour.

"So," Derek said finally as they stood in the predawn darkness on the lawn outside of his trailer.

Addison's face remained devoid of feeling. It was as if she was no longer capable of emotion.

"Addie you look like I brought you out here to kill you."

Addison didn't react, "The thought crossed my mind."

Derek smiled slightly, "I didn't," He pointed into the darkness, "Look over there."

Addison turned but didn't see anything. Behind her, Derek picked up a cord and plugged it into an exterior outlet.

Addison audibly gasped as one tree lit up with lights.

"Do you like it?" Derek asked walking over to stand beside her, his hands in his pockets.

"Yes," she breathed, unable to look away.

Derek nodded, proud of his handy work, "I think it's a pretty nice Christmas tree."

Addison gave a small smile, "The nicest we have ever had."

"I brought some of our favorite and more waterproof decorations back. I thought that after work you might like to decorate it," he paused, "with me."

Addison gave him a genuine smile for the first time, "I'd like that." They continued to watch the lights sparkle on the tree as the sun started to come up. Slowly Addison turned to faced Derek, "This doesn't change anything does it?"

Derek turned to face her too, "No," he said sadly,"I still have feeling for Meredith but," he paused, "I _want_ to spend Christmas with you. I am _choosing_ to spend Christmas with you."

Addison considered this. "This is the second time that you have chosen me."

Derek nodded, "Yes it is."

Addison sighed and turned back to the Christmas tree, "Maybe third times the charm."


End file.
